How To
The Non-Expert: Accessories for Men
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN tries to help a young man addicted to fashion accessories, applying equal doses consolation and thumpings.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- First Scary Movies (Of Recent Note)
- Beloved Children's Books (Of Recent Note)
- Superpowers, Revealed (Of Recent Note)
Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
» SEE MORE
- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (May 27, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
Also in How To
» SEE MORE
INFINITE SUMMER
Dracula
Sponsored by TMN, the online book club reads the vampire novel that sired them all.» READ ALONG
Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
* * *
Question: I have a problem. I’m a guy, but I’m addicted to accessories. I love bags. I love watches, and bracelets. And I’m really into scarves. The problem is, I don’t want girls to think I’m gay. So do I need to stop my cravat collection, or is there a way to get laid and still keep my Jack Spade? Plus, are there any trends I should know are dead?
Answer: One idea is to switch your obsession from cashmere to guns. Wear as many as you can clip to your jacket, and keep one in your hand when you’re out to lunch. Even with a small man-purse over your shoulder, it’s unlikely anyone will call you with anything besides ‘sir,’ at least until you’re arrested or killed.
The fact you’re worried that girls will think you’re homosexual because you wear designer sunglasses suggests to me that you are a homosexual, in deep denial, and that you probably have a very low opinion of gay people, possibly yourself and some significant family figures, and just maybe you’re addressing the wrong issue here. Any man, gay or straight, who takes care in selecting a watch, or wonders whether his tie is right for a certain shirt, or even tries to match his rope bracelet with the right hat, is not considered obsessed, or mistaken for the opposite sexuality; he’s thoughtful.
The usual problem with men and accessories isn’t one of sexual preference, but lack of taste, compensated with overabundance. He won’t know exactly which pin to choose so we all know he’s part of the new punk rock movement, so he buys three; one piercing becomes four; his shirt collars start to require three buttons to fasten.
(You’ll see these same men also have a problem dating, gay or straight; they show with pure hooch on their arm.)
A few instances, and recommended corrections, where men often make mistakes:
1) Flashy Watch, Probably Rolex or Tag Heuer: Unless it’s vintage, or you’re Viktor & Rolf, these watches generally say the owner is a dope, and about as interesting in conversation as the watch itself. Now, this is an unfair generalization for all the smart and sincere big-money rollers—or even the friend of ours who saved up for a year for his Submariner—but unfortunately the majority of owners are schmucks.
If they could afford it, why not wear Patek Phillipe? Cartier? A Rolex or Tag is as much a status piece as a new Mercedes coupe—cheap and boring, and readily available. Better to go with something a little more unique (a Pulsar? A Hamilton? A Breitling? A Swatch?) or a lot less expensive; no one will fault a watch if it looks good and tells time.
(Admission: Tag Heuers actually look great on women, and we can’t deny that the fact Italian race car drivers helped inspire the burly Monza doesn’t win points.)
2) Anything with a Burberry Plaid: Just burn it, or stick it in your safety deposit box until 2045.
3) Sunglasses that Do Not Shade: Somehow still in vogue, and if J. Lo’s stylist was smart enough to anticipate her influence, she would have invented a patent. Glasses that have no shading to them should be crushed under heel; in fact, we hereby grant you the right to crush someone else’s on the street, especially if they have a rhinestone heart in one corner.
4) Paying More Money, Expecting Better Quality, as if Everything Was a Car: We’d all like to believe when we overspend on something—a bag, a coat—we’ve gotten what we’ve paid for, but in most cases it’s not true. A friend of ours recently bought a Gucci shoulder bag and it ripped after two weeks; the stitching was crap and the leather scratched easily.
Watch for companies that can brag about quality control and consistently good design for more than five years (e.g., beware Jack Spade: they’re young and still working out the kinks, and not only are the bags and coats unbelievably overpriced, it’s also near saturation point; go to Upland Traders on 13th Street if you want the real deal). Filson makes beautiful garments and bags, and everything we’ve seen will outlive us; Hilditch & Key are probably the best shirtmakers in the world.
5) The Giant Wallet: Simple, your wallet should not be thicker, when folded up, than a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
6) Anything Spotted in Rolling Stone: Obviously, off limits. If we could explain why The Strokes didn’t self-destruct after three months, we’d also end world hunger.
7) Anything with an Obvious Logo: Jesus, either cut it out or throw it away. The only thing you’ve said about yourself is you’re petty, small-minded, and obsessed with being conventional.
8) All Accessories, All At Once: You’ve seen this before: the publishing type who wears all his labels at once, plus creams his hair back, checks his watch, and worries about his Audi getting dinged on the street. On the same spectrum, the emo-rock boy who has six pins on his jacket, his hair poofing just so, the right glasses, the right shoulder bag.
If you’re one of these, take a weekend at a spiritual retreat. If you see one of these, stand back, especially on a subway platform. Anyone this obsessed is the type of person who will line up for fascists, and you never know what their leader has already told them.
Of course, these people are different from the true fashionistas we all love who not only wear all their accessories at once, but also all their clothes. These are the visionaries Tara Subkoff should be ripping.
Finally, we’d appreciate if you wrote back in the summer, so we can address men’s sandals, all of which should be ripped off their owners and fixed on burning spikes around Chelsea.
Question: I have a problem. I’m a guy, but I’m addicted to accessories. I love bags. I love watches, and bracelets. And I’m really into scarves. The problem is, I don’t want girls to think I’m gay. So do I need to stop my cravat collection, or is there a way to get laid and still keep my Jack Spade? Plus, are there any trends I should know are dead?
Answer: One idea is to switch your obsession from cashmere to guns. Wear as many as you can clip to your jacket, and keep one in your hand when you’re out to lunch. Even with a small man-purse over your shoulder, it’s unlikely anyone will call you with anything besides ‘sir,’ at least until you’re arrested or killed.
The fact you’re worried that girls will think you’re homosexual because you wear designer sunglasses suggests to me that you are a homosexual, in deep denial, and that you probably have a very low opinion of gay people, possibly yourself and some significant family figures, and just maybe you’re addressing the wrong issue here. Any man, gay or straight, who takes care in selecting a watch, or wonders whether his tie is right for a certain shirt, or even tries to match his rope bracelet with the right hat, is not considered obsessed, or mistaken for the opposite sexuality; he’s thoughtful.
The usual problem with men and accessories isn’t one of sexual preference, but lack of taste, compensated with overabundance. He won’t know exactly which pin to choose so we all know he’s part of the new punk rock movement, so he buys three; one piercing becomes four; his shirt collars start to require three buttons to fasten.
(You’ll see these same men also have a problem dating, gay or straight; they show with pure hooch on their arm.)
A few instances, and recommended corrections, where men often make mistakes:
1) Flashy Watch, Probably Rolex or Tag Heuer: Unless it’s vintage, or you’re Viktor & Rolf, these watches generally say the owner is a dope, and about as interesting in conversation as the watch itself. Now, this is an unfair generalization for all the smart and sincere big-money rollers—or even the friend of ours who saved up for a year for his Submariner—but unfortunately the majority of owners are schmucks.
If they could afford it, why not wear Patek Phillipe? Cartier? A Rolex or Tag is as much a status piece as a new Mercedes coupe—cheap and boring, and readily available. Better to go with something a little more unique (a Pulsar? A Hamilton? A Breitling? A Swatch?) or a lot less expensive; no one will fault a watch if it looks good and tells time.
(Admission: Tag Heuers actually look great on women, and we can’t deny that the fact Italian race car drivers helped inspire the burly Monza doesn’t win points.)
2) Anything with a Burberry Plaid: Just burn it, or stick it in your safety deposit box until 2045.
3) Sunglasses that Do Not Shade: Somehow still in vogue, and if J. Lo’s stylist was smart enough to anticipate her influence, she would have invented a patent. Glasses that have no shading to them should be crushed under heel; in fact, we hereby grant you the right to crush someone else’s on the street, especially if they have a rhinestone heart in one corner.
4) Paying More Money, Expecting Better Quality, as if Everything Was a Car: We’d all like to believe when we overspend on something—a bag, a coat—we’ve gotten what we’ve paid for, but in most cases it’s not true. A friend of ours recently bought a Gucci shoulder bag and it ripped after two weeks; the stitching was crap and the leather scratched easily.
Watch for companies that can brag about quality control and consistently good design for more than five years (e.g., beware Jack Spade: they’re young and still working out the kinks, and not only are the bags and coats unbelievably overpriced, it’s also near saturation point; go to Upland Traders on 13th Street if you want the real deal). Filson makes beautiful garments and bags, and everything we’ve seen will outlive us; Hilditch & Key are probably the best shirtmakers in the world.
5) The Giant Wallet: Simple, your wallet should not be thicker, when folded up, than a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
6) Anything Spotted in Rolling Stone: Obviously, off limits. If we could explain why The Strokes didn’t self-destruct after three months, we’d also end world hunger.
7) Anything with an Obvious Logo: Jesus, either cut it out or throw it away. The only thing you’ve said about yourself is you’re petty, small-minded, and obsessed with being conventional.
8) All Accessories, All At Once: You’ve seen this before: the publishing type who wears all his labels at once, plus creams his hair back, checks his watch, and worries about his Audi getting dinged on the street. On the same spectrum, the emo-rock boy who has six pins on his jacket, his hair poofing just so, the right glasses, the right shoulder bag.
If you’re one of these, take a weekend at a spiritual retreat. If you see one of these, stand back, especially on a subway platform. Anyone this obsessed is the type of person who will line up for fascists, and you never know what their leader has already told them.
Of course, these people are different from the true fashionistas we all love who not only wear all their accessories at once, but also all their clothes. These are the visionaries Tara Subkoff should be ripping.
Finally, we’d appreciate if you wrote back in the summer, so we can address men’s sandals, all of which should be ripped off their owners and fixed on burning spikes around Chelsea.
—Published January 10, 2003
