How To
The Non-Expert: Picking Up
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN addresses the most important issue he’s ever faced: What is the perfect pick-up line? And he has an answer.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- The 2010 Tournament of Books (The Rooster)
- The 2010 Tournament of Books Long List (The Rooster)
- Untraditional Traditions (Of Recent Note)
Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
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- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (May 27, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
Also in How To
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
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Question: What’s a good, fool-proof pick up line? —Dave Beefoven
Answer: This is possibly the most important question the Non-Expert has ever grappled with. Due to its significance, you will get a sincere answer, even if a few jokes are tucked in along the edges. Our answer applies to men primarily, straight and gay—hence pronouns will be swapped occasionally—but we bet a smart woman could adapt it to her purposes.
So. There is one pick-up line that always works assuming you have luck on your side and good follow-up patter. There may be others that we don’t know about, but we have one that even Hugh Grant endorses.
Pick-up lines are kind of like double-barreled Windsor knots: 9 out of 10 guys will look like they’re trying to hang themselves, but there’s always one man in the room who works it, and he’s not walking around lonely.
The Non-Expert has a good friend, J, who does well with women. Simply, he often dates three or four women at the same time, and they’re either models, or the kind of girls who could be models if they weren’t already talented at something else. Though J happens to be a very sweet and decent guy, he has the type of extraordinary luck with women we normally associate with scumbags, probably due to two important talents: He works hard, and he’s not afraid to get hurt.
(That he’s also cute, a little aloof, and very personable probably helps too. A good rule from the Book of J is to be earth-stoppingly interested in your quarry’s conversation, maintain eye contact, and smile a lot without seeming like a creep. For J, this comes naturally, and is never a put-on. You, on the other hand, may have to try a little harder.)
J meets women everywhere, but my favorite story is of the night he was riding the subway uptown and noticed a cute girl walking quickly through the car, right past him. As he retold it to us yesterday, he approached her because not only was she attractive, she looked like she was ‘the girl from the future.’
And of course, his line was, ‘Are you the girl from the future?’
J has a long theory on how this is a good example of relativity, about objects at increased speed approaching the speed of light, and this girl, racing through the train, hair sticking up, was in fact time-traveling back from the future, and so forth, but the point is, he got her number.
The large point is, J doesn’t use pick-up lines. He just says what comes to mind as to why he finds the girl interesting. And it works. But you are not J. Neither are we! (or were! When we were single!) No, we like to huddle with our buddies, crack jokes, drink harder, and eventually go home with the feeling that it’s been a conscious decision to be alone again.
But when we do work up the nerve to approach someone, we resort to pick-up lines, hoping they’ll work. This is not wrong. Pick-up lines range from the simple, ‘Hi, my name is ____, how are you?’ (which bats a .366 in getting a date) to ‘Do you want to have sex?’ (which bats a .722 in getting VD) to the kind your dad tells your mother at parties before poking her in the ribs.
But any pick-up line that involves a pun, more than five words without an accompanying paragraph, or even lives on the same block as a reference to Chevy Chase, is not a pick-up line. It’s a way to look dumb. It’s a gaffe, a mistake you’ll regret later on. We realize this seems so obvious that it’s not worth mentioning, but the fact that these pick-up lines are still in use means we should tread lightly about what’s universally accepted on the sleaze-meter.
We should all be like J, and say what comes naturally, so when we begin a conversation our girl or guy is impressed because we’ve not only felt a unique compulsion to talk to them, but we’ve figured it out so we can put it into words. What should happen is this: You’ve noticed something about her that piques your interest in her over the other girls, something that’s a unique attraction—then, figure it out, and try it on her. Remember from the Book of J: Don’t be afraid to get hurt.
But—knowing you—you’ll screw this up. So we’re giving you our line. Stipulations are: 1) It works better in large cities, where women and men are more likely to be dressed up; 2) It does not work at the gym, unless you’re gay; and 3) It will fail if you say it like you’re telling a joke, or seem like you have no idea what you’re talking about, or are clearly lying and just want to get laid, or don’t follow it with decent conversation.
So. The Pick-up Line That Always Works
‘Wow, those are great shoes.’
Done right, it kills. Kills!
(note: this question actually was sent in by a ‘Dave Beefoven’—ed)
Question: What’s a good, fool-proof pick up line? —Dave Beefoven
Answer: This is possibly the most important question the Non-Expert has ever grappled with. Due to its significance, you will get a sincere answer, even if a few jokes are tucked in along the edges. Our answer applies to men primarily, straight and gay—hence pronouns will be swapped occasionally—but we bet a smart woman could adapt it to her purposes.
So. There is one pick-up line that always works assuming you have luck on your side and good follow-up patter. There may be others that we don’t know about, but we have one that even Hugh Grant endorses.
Pick-up lines are kind of like double-barreled Windsor knots: 9 out of 10 guys will look like they’re trying to hang themselves, but there’s always one man in the room who works it, and he’s not walking around lonely.
The Non-Expert has a good friend, J, who does well with women. Simply, he often dates three or four women at the same time, and they’re either models, or the kind of girls who could be models if they weren’t already talented at something else. Though J happens to be a very sweet and decent guy, he has the type of extraordinary luck with women we normally associate with scumbags, probably due to two important talents: He works hard, and he’s not afraid to get hurt.
(That he’s also cute, a little aloof, and very personable probably helps too. A good rule from the Book of J is to be earth-stoppingly interested in your quarry’s conversation, maintain eye contact, and smile a lot without seeming like a creep. For J, this comes naturally, and is never a put-on. You, on the other hand, may have to try a little harder.)
J meets women everywhere, but my favorite story is of the night he was riding the subway uptown and noticed a cute girl walking quickly through the car, right past him. As he retold it to us yesterday, he approached her because not only was she attractive, she looked like she was ‘the girl from the future.’
And of course, his line was, ‘Are you the girl from the future?’
J has a long theory on how this is a good example of relativity, about objects at increased speed approaching the speed of light, and this girl, racing through the train, hair sticking up, was in fact time-traveling back from the future, and so forth, but the point is, he got her number.
The large point is, J doesn’t use pick-up lines. He just says what comes to mind as to why he finds the girl interesting. And it works. But you are not J. Neither are we! (or were! When we were single!) No, we like to huddle with our buddies, crack jokes, drink harder, and eventually go home with the feeling that it’s been a conscious decision to be alone again.
But when we do work up the nerve to approach someone, we resort to pick-up lines, hoping they’ll work. This is not wrong. Pick-up lines range from the simple, ‘Hi, my name is ____, how are you?’ (which bats a .366 in getting a date) to ‘Do you want to have sex?’ (which bats a .722 in getting VD) to the kind your dad tells your mother at parties before poking her in the ribs.
But any pick-up line that involves a pun, more than five words without an accompanying paragraph, or even lives on the same block as a reference to Chevy Chase, is not a pick-up line. It’s a way to look dumb. It’s a gaffe, a mistake you’ll regret later on. We realize this seems so obvious that it’s not worth mentioning, but the fact that these pick-up lines are still in use means we should tread lightly about what’s universally accepted on the sleaze-meter.
We should all be like J, and say what comes naturally, so when we begin a conversation our girl or guy is impressed because we’ve not only felt a unique compulsion to talk to them, but we’ve figured it out so we can put it into words. What should happen is this: You’ve noticed something about her that piques your interest in her over the other girls, something that’s a unique attraction—then, figure it out, and try it on her. Remember from the Book of J: Don’t be afraid to get hurt.
But—knowing you—you’ll screw this up. So we’re giving you our line. Stipulations are: 1) It works better in large cities, where women and men are more likely to be dressed up; 2) It does not work at the gym, unless you’re gay; and 3) It will fail if you say it like you’re telling a joke, or seem like you have no idea what you’re talking about, or are clearly lying and just want to get laid, or don’t follow it with decent conversation.
So. The Pick-up Line That Always Works
‘Wow, those are great shoes.’
Done right, it kills. Kills!
(note: this question actually was sent in by a ‘Dave Beefoven’—ed)
—Published February 28, 2003
