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Question: Paul Simon has a song called “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” but he only gives us three or four (“Get off the bus, Gus” “Get a new plan, Dan” “Drop off the key, Lee”) which is a bit disappointing given the title. Any help? I’ve got some boyfriend issues to be dealing with here. Don’t let me down!—Diana R.

Answer: Diana, we feel your pain. Simon’s song, from 1975’s Still Crazy After All These Years, quotes some mysterious woman as saying there must be 50 ways to leave your lover, allowing lazy songwriter Simon to only offer five ways in the chorus: to “slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; you don’t need to be coy, Roy; hop on the bus, Gus; just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.”

But what about escape routes for the world’s homosexual Daves? The world’s distraught Margos and emotionally damaged Bills? No worries, relationship-haters, this Non-Expert is happy to help fill the gap ol’ Rhymin’ Simon left 30 years ago (with generous help and cocktails from his fellow editors Andrew Womack and Kate Schlegel).


45 Additional Ways to Leave Your Lover

45. Push him out a tree, Bree

44. Feed her to a shark, Mark

43. Harvest his kidney, Cindy

42. Make him all porous, Doris

41. Feed him some ricin, Tyson

40. Get kvetchin,’ Gretchen

39. Chop off his organ, Morgan

38. Throw her down a gorge, George

37. Punch her with an awl, Paul

36. Fake your own death, Beth

35. Hire Chaz Palminteri, Mary

34. Don’t let her fool ‘ya, Julia

33. Drop an anvil on his dick, Chick

32. Toss him off the seventh story, Laurie

31. Pulp his scrotus, Otis

30. Bury her alive, Clive

29. Run him over with a trolley, Molly

28. Feed her to the capitalist sharks! Marx!

27. Make her write a will, Bill

26. Chisel off his knees, Louise

25. Switch to the whip, Chip

24. Give her a double-barreled hug, Doug

23. Bake him in a tureen, Doreen

22. Cement him in a well, Mel

21. Bump her off a ridge, Midge

20. Start erasin,’ Jason

19. Select her sister for a mate, Nate

18. Try to poke her mom, Tom

17. Slip her a mickey, Dickey

16. Make her whip corn, Rip Torn

15. Subtract a limb, Tim

14. Make it hard for him to piss, Kris

13. Set fire to his hair, Blair

12. Hit him with a mace, Chase

11. Cook her in a stew, Llew

10. Drown him off your yacht, Dot

9. Chomp on his penis, Enos

8. Fit her for a spear, Dear

7. Staple him to the bed, Fred

6. Drown him in the Seine, Le Glen

5. Smother her with malice, Alice

4. Drop him down the flue, Sue

3. Apply the hurt, Burt

2. Amputate daily, Haley

1. Change your name to Hannah, Diana




Rosecrans Baldwin is a co-publisher of The Morning News, and lives in Brooklyn. He contributes regularly to VITALS magazine and NPR’s All Things Considered. Click here to read his other stories on TMN.