How To
The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN picks up where Paul Simon left off and offers a multitude of ways—45, actually—to leave your lover in the dust.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
- First Scary Movies (Of Recent Note)
- Beloved Children's Books (Of Recent Note)
- Superpowers, Revealed (Of Recent Note)
Also by Rosecrans Baldwin
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- The Non-Expert: Term Paper (June 3, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs (May 20, 2005)
- The Non-Expert: Gentrify! Gentrify! (May 13, 2005)
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Have a question? Need some advice? Ignored by everyone else? Send us your questions via email. The Non-Expert handles all subjects and is updated on Fridays, and is written by a member of The Morning News staff.
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Question: Paul Simon has a song called “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” but he only gives us three or four (“Get off the bus, Gus” “Get a new plan, Dan” “Drop off the key, Lee”) which is a bit disappointing given the title. Any help? I’ve got some boyfriend issues to be dealing with here. Don’t let me down! —Diana R.
Answer: Diana, we feel your pain. Simon’s song, from 1975’s Still Crazy After All These Years, quotes some mysterious woman as saying there must be 50 ways to leave your lover, allowing lazy songwriter Simon to only offer five ways in the chorus: to “slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; you don’t need to be coy, Roy; hop on the bus, Gus; just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.”
But what about escape routes for the world’s homosexual Daves? The world’s distraught Margos and emotionally damaged Bills? No worries, relationship-haters, this Non-Expert is happy to help fill the gap ol’ Rhymin’ Simon left 30 years ago (with generous help and cocktails from his fellow editors Andrew Womack and Kate Schlegel).
45 Additional Ways to Leave Your Lover
45. Push him out a tree, Bree
44. Feed her to a shark, Mark
43. Harvest his kidney, Cindy
42. Make him all porous, Doris
41. Feed him some ricin, Tyson
40. Get kvetchin,’ Gretchen
39. Chop off his organ, Morgan
38. Throw her down a gorge, George
37. Punch her with an awl, Paul
36. Fake your own death, Beth
35. Hire Chaz Palminteri, Mary
34. Don’t let her fool ‘ya, Julia
33. Drop an anvil on his dick, Chick
32. Toss him off the seventh story, Laurie
31. Pulp his scrotus, Otis
30. Bury her alive, Clive
29. Run him over with a trolley, Molly
28. Feed her to the capitalist sharks! Marx!
27. Make her write a will, Bill
26. Chisel off his knees, Louise
25. Switch to the whip, Chip
24. Give her a double-barreled hug, Doug
23. Bake him in a tureen, Doreen
22. Cement him in a well, Mel
21. Bump her off a ridge, Midge
20. Start erasin,’ Jason
19. Select her sister for a mate, Nate
18. Try to poke her mom, Tom
17. Slip her a mickey, Dickey
16. Make her whip corn, Rip Torn
15. Subtract a limb, Tim
14. Make it hard for him to piss, Kris
13. Set fire to his hair, Blair
12. Hit him with a mace, Chase
11. Cook her in a stew, Llew
10. Drown him off your yacht, Dot
9. Chomp on his penis, Enos
8. Fit her for a spear, Dear
7. Staple him to the bed, Fred
6. Drown him in the Seine, Le Glen
5. Smother her with malice, Alice
4. Drop him down the flue, Sue
3. Apply the hurt, Burt
2. Amputate daily, Haley
1. Change your name to Hannah, Diana
Question: Paul Simon has a song called “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” but he only gives us three or four (“Get off the bus, Gus” “Get a new plan, Dan” “Drop off the key, Lee”) which is a bit disappointing given the title. Any help? I’ve got some boyfriend issues to be dealing with here. Don’t let me down! —Diana R.
Answer: Diana, we feel your pain. Simon’s song, from 1975’s Still Crazy After All These Years, quotes some mysterious woman as saying there must be 50 ways to leave your lover, allowing lazy songwriter Simon to only offer five ways in the chorus: to “slip out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; you don’t need to be coy, Roy; hop on the bus, Gus; just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.”
But what about escape routes for the world’s homosexual Daves? The world’s distraught Margos and emotionally damaged Bills? No worries, relationship-haters, this Non-Expert is happy to help fill the gap ol’ Rhymin’ Simon left 30 years ago (with generous help and cocktails from his fellow editors Andrew Womack and Kate Schlegel).
45 Additional Ways to Leave Your Lover
45. Push him out a tree, Bree
44. Feed her to a shark, Mark
43. Harvest his kidney, Cindy
42. Make him all porous, Doris
41. Feed him some ricin, Tyson
40. Get kvetchin,’ Gretchen
39. Chop off his organ, Morgan
38. Throw her down a gorge, George
37. Punch her with an awl, Paul
36. Fake your own death, Beth
35. Hire Chaz Palminteri, Mary
34. Don’t let her fool ‘ya, Julia
33. Drop an anvil on his dick, Chick
32. Toss him off the seventh story, Laurie
31. Pulp his scrotus, Otis
30. Bury her alive, Clive
29. Run him over with a trolley, Molly
28. Feed her to the capitalist sharks! Marx!
27. Make her write a will, Bill
26. Chisel off his knees, Louise
25. Switch to the whip, Chip
24. Give her a double-barreled hug, Doug
23. Bake him in a tureen, Doreen
22. Cement him in a well, Mel
21. Bump her off a ridge, Midge
20. Start erasin,’ Jason
19. Select her sister for a mate, Nate
18. Try to poke her mom, Tom
17. Slip her a mickey, Dickey
16. Make her whip corn, Rip Torn
15. Subtract a limb, Tim
14. Make it hard for him to piss, Kris
13. Set fire to his hair, Blair
12. Hit him with a mace, Chase
11. Cook her in a stew, Llew
10. Drown him off your yacht, Dot
9. Chomp on his penis, Enos
8. Fit her for a spear, Dear
7. Staple him to the bed, Fred
6. Drown him in the Seine, Le Glen
5. Smother her with malice, Alice
4. Drop him down the flue, Sue
3. Apply the hurt, Burt
2. Amputate daily, Haley
1. Change your name to Hannah, Diana
—Published May 27, 2005
