How To

The Non-Expert: Term Paper

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK heeds the call from a forlorn student and explains how any term paper can be stretched to meet its page quota. To meet its page quota. To meet its page quota. (How To | June 3, 2005)

The Non-Expert: 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN picks up where Paul Simon left off and offers a multitude of ways—45, actually—to leave your lover in the dust. (How To | May 27, 2005)

The Non-Expert: Gypsy Cabs

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week PITCHAYA SUDBANTHAD helps a nervous tourist understand that mystery of New York City transportation: the unlicensed car that will drive you either to your destination, or to your death! (How To | May 20, 2005)

The Non-Expert: Gentrify! Gentrify!

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK shows how you can fight New York’s soaring real-estate costs when you invade an unfamiliar neighborhood. Making friends will never be so hard. (How To | May 13, 2005)

The Last-Minute Mother’s Day Gift Guide

You put it off again this year, and now you’re on the verge of disappointing your very own mother. You have four days to find and ship an amazing Mother’s Day gift. MARGARET MASON recommends gifts from sites that offer quick delivery. (How To | May 3, 2005)

The Non-Expert: Flying Babies

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN dives into the great button fly vs. zipper fly debate, and gives advice to a man whose wife is addicted to children. (How To | April 29, 2005)

The Non-Expert: Dreams and How to Dress for Them

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK helps analyze your dreams, or maybe just his own, and offers a handy chart that tells you what to wear depending on the temperature. Yes: “handy.” (How To | April 22, 2005)

The Non-Expert: Fabled

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK explains why it’s best to avoid serial threesomers, where the West Village begins and ends, how to build your résumé, and why you shouldn’t drive. All using goats. (How To | April 15, 2005)

The Non-Expert: Life Hacks for the Rest of Us

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK explains the well-traveled secrets and tricks that really can make your life a little bit easier, even while they fail to improve you in any way. (How To | April 8, 2005)

The Non-Expert: The Unwritten Code of Subway Performers, Written

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK reveals the unspoken rules that govern the work, relationships, and processes that take place every day amongst the city’s many subway musicians, ventriloquists, acrobats, and the like. (How To | February 18, 2005)

The Non-Expert: What We Are When We Are at Home

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON fields a tough question about why Americans are so obsessed with smell, and demonstrates how Americans’ odor concerns know no borders. (How To | February 11, 2005)

The Non-Expert: Cameron’s Physics, Tara’s Slips

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, CLAY RISEN helps two readers with vital questions of national security: Can cars backtrack mileage if driven in reverse, and who is responsible for forcing celebrities down our throats? (How To | January 28, 2005)

The Non-Expert: The East Coast Olive Conspiracy

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week it’s up to investigative journalist CHOIRE SICHA, and his team of food experts, to answer an age-old question about green and black olives, and more importantly, and why New Yorkers can’t get green olives on their pizza. (How To | January 21, 2005)

The Non-Expert: When in Manhattan…

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, ROSECRANS BALDWIN uses a thousand links to address the most frequently sent letter in the Non-Expert’s mailbag: I’m coming to New York City, please help! (How To | January 14, 2005)

The Non-Expert: People Watcher

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week CLAIRE MICCIO helps a college student out of her end-of-school doledrums by suggesting a hobby both interesting and adventurous, but that sometimes skirts the wrong side of the law. (How To | January 7, 2005)

A Chosen Christmas

Gentiles avoid guilt all year round—that is, until Christmas, when familial anxiety is at its peak. So don’t drown your sorrows in another mug of eggnog; CLAUDIA BROWN has tips for how she and her Jewish brethren might help those who are freaking out this holiday season. (How To | December 21, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Many Miscellaneous Concerns

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK answers reader concerns, including the business with mattress tags and why, when in Greece, you might not want to signal to your waiter that you’re ready for the check. (How To | December 10, 2004)

Using Product Placement In Your Serial Killer Script

As product placement in movies becomes accepted by audiences—and even appreciated—isn’t it about time screenwriters retooled their work into something the people at Burger King can really get behind? Rick Paulas has tips for turning your art-house script into big money. (How To | December 8, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Anchorless

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, as we witness the retirement of Brokaw and Rather, ROSECRANS BALDWIN helps a rudderless reader pick a new broadcast journalist to trust for his news. (How To | December 3, 2004)

Don’t Be Rude: Couples Showers and Late Wedding Gifts

You’re asked to buy an expensive, ugly bridesmaid’s dress, but aren’t invited to the shower. You bought the wedding presents years ago; they’re just in your closet. Margaret Mason puts things in perspective. (How To | November 29, 2004)

Roundtable: New Fathers, Round II

Twelve months ago a number of TMN contributors were becoming first-time dads—now it’s time to check in and see how they’re doing. Matthew Baldwin, Frederic Bonn, Kevin Fanning, and KEVIN GUILFOILE get into the poop from a year of highs, lows, and Diaper Genies. (How To | November 22, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Saying Grace

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK shows how saying grace before a holiday meal doesn’t have to be a chore, and how if you know what to say, your thoughtful words may make the holidays more special. And then sometimes not. (How To | November 19, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Roommate

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK shows a reader how to get even the most troublesome of roommates to move out. (How To | November 5, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Last-Minute Halloween Costumes

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week, in the spirit of the holiday, ROSECRANS BALDWIN puts together a few last-minute costumes for adults who plan to combine liquor with their masks and candy. (How To | October 29, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Dance

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK describes many of today’s most enduring and popular dance steps, and includes helpful illustrations that show you how to dance them. (How To | October 22, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Fall

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK tells us how to recover after taking a really nasty spill in public. And yes, they’re all laughing at you. (How To | October 8, 2004)

Don’t Be Rude: RSVPs and “Best Persons”

A wedding invitation arrives without an RSVP card, and a bride wonders what to call a female ‘best man.’ TMN’s etiquette expert Margaret Mason helps you through I dos. (How To | October 4, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Electors and Chickens

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ROSECRANS BALDWIN explains exactly how the electoral college works, with a small fable for example, and offers a roast chicken recipe for a guy who’s all thumbs in the kitchen. (How To | October 1, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Hipster

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK explains how being a hipster is not necessarily a bad thing, and shows how to determine if you are, in fact, really one of them. (How To | September 24, 2004)

The Non-Expert: How to Hide a Dead Body

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week former ambulance driver and TMN co-publisher ROSECRANS BALDWIN describes the right way to stash a stiff when the cops are on your tail. (How To | September 17, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Computers

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK explains what’s inside a computer and how it works, how you can determine if you need a laptop model or a desktop, and the true difference between PCs and Macs. (How To | September 10, 2004)

Tricks of the Trade

For every occupation, there is a catalog of secrets only its employees are aware of—such as how waiters with heavy platters know to look straight ahead, and never down. Armed with a bag of reader mail, Matthew Baldwin unfurls a whole lot more true insider knowledge. (How To | August 24, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Diet

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK answers a reader’s question about how to find the right diet, and then makes it all up rather than doing his research. (How To | August 20, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Olympian

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK looks to this month’s Olympic Games and gives an overview of the athletic events involved and picks the sports you simply don’t want to miss. (How To | August 13, 2004)

The Non-Expert: IQ

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK answers a reader’s question about how to prove one’s intelligence to a world that needs to know. How? With the Non-Expert’s IQ test, of course. (How To | August 6, 2004)

The Non-Expert: More Miscellaneous Concerns

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK answers questions about how to avoid getting sick of and at the office, being sunburned while traveling at the speed of light, and the origins of the Spanish-American War. (How To | July 16, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Dogs

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK covers the many different kinds of canine companions you could choose to collar as “your best friend.” Except for schnauzers. (How To | July 9, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Removing

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK shows the proper way to dispose of a trashcan, then explains how to remove food smells that repel your significant other. Also: the problem with toaster ovens. (How To | June 25, 2004)

The Art of the Cure

Using salt to preserve meat goes back to the Egyptians, but curing pork in a small New York apartment? Food writer JOSH FRIEDLAND takes us through the steps of making guanciale—including, do not plan to hang your jowls at your mother-in-law’s—with recipes for the finished product. (How To | June 22, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Zodiac

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK enters the astrological realm to reveal the meanings behind your birth sign, and explains why everyone finds Scorpios annoying. (How To | June 18, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Swim

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK instructs you on the basics of swimming, with many of the most popular strokes explained in detail. Except for the double-trudgen… because come on. (How To | June 11, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Home Surgery

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK shows you how to mend common household wounds with a handful of band-aids, a bottle of ipecac, and a healthy dose of resolve. (How To | June 4, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Online Loving & Andy Kaufman

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK shows how to turn online friendship into internet love, and exposes the truth behind Andy Kaufman’s return. (How To | May 21, 2004)

Don’t Be Rude: When Guests Outstay Their Welcome

If your guests are walking all over you, it may be that you look suspiciously like a doormat. MARGARET MASON answers a reader’s question on how to get up, dust off, and reclaim the living room. (How To | May 19, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Assorted Randomness

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK explains why it’s not a good idea to name your baby after a month, what the opposite of brown is, and exactly who that is wandering the bike path. (How To | May 14, 2004)

The Non-Expert: English

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK illustrates, exhibits, and displays how proper editing makes English all that more the understandable. (How To | May 7, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Houseplants

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK catalogs many popular houseplants, from bulbs to succulents, explaining which would be the best choices for your particular interior décor and style. (How To | April 23, 2004)

Huff Your Way to a Healthier You

Turpentine, propane, Marks-a-Lot: Huffers of the world know their poison, and well. Some gourmands, however, see in their hardware store a cellar of fine wines. With little circles around his nostrils, Colin J. Murphy sniffs out some favorite markers. (How To | April 14, 2004)

How to Walk in New York

Walk or don’t walk? In New York, there is rarely a choice. ANDREW WOMACK lays the ground rules for how you should maneuver the pavement, always showing your best side under special circumstances, and what to do when sidewalk rage hits. (How To | April 7, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Economy-size

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week CLAY RISEN counsels a young man beleaguered by visions of marked-down tuna fish and cases of Two Buck Chuck. (How To | April 2, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Breastfeeding À La Carte

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week CHOIRE SICHA dives into that testy political swamp where culinary and maternal matters mix juices: when is breastfeeding (in)appropriate in restaurants? (How To | March 26, 2004)

Virtue: Volunteering from Home

You planned to spend the morning hammering together a shelter for the homeless, but your hangover is better suited to a cup of coffee and the Sunday paper. In the second installment of her Virtue series, Margaret Berry shows you how to get off your duff without leaving the couch. (How To | March 24, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Doing the Date

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week SARAH HEPOLA comes to the aid of a confused, heartbroken Romeo with a story of ~~her~~ someone else’s troubles in dating. (How To | March 19, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Pet Names

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week THE EDITORS help couples understand how cute lover-names can become butt-quaking insults. (How To | March 5, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Urban Furnishing

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK leads you on a safe shopping excursion through all that discarded furniture on the sidewalks of New York. (How To | February 27, 2004)

The Non-Expert: IT

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week a reader sends in a cryptic plea for help in the ways of ‘IT,’ and CLAY RISEN deciphers ‘IT’s’ true meaning. (How To | February 20, 2004)

Virtue: Ten Bucks? Ten Charities

They’re providing basic sanitation; we’re subscribing to Cooking Light. In the first installment of her series on Virtue, Margaret Berry introduces you to 10 charities that know the value of 10 bucks. (How To | February 12, 2004)

The Non-Expert: IKEA

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week MATTHEW BALDWIN shows you how to survive the five treacherous worlds of IKEA. Don’t forget your REKYL! (How To | January 23, 2004)

The Non-Expert: All The President’s Martians

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON looks into the recent hoopla over Mars, with an explanation for Dub-Dub’s motives in space. (How To | January 16, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Dear Santa

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week CHOIRE SICHA answers a late, incoherent letter to Santa Claus that was mistakenly delivered to our offices. (How To | January 9, 2004)

The Non-Expert: Snowmen

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK welcomes the beginning of winter with helpful advice for those who want their snowmen to survive into spring. (How To | December 12, 2003)

Roundtable: New Fathers

For some reason not involving pods or alien harvests, a number of our writers are about to be fathers, or have recently become dads, and it seemed appropriate to convene a meeting of minds. Three Contributing Writers and friend-of-TMN Frederic Bonn discuss fears, frustrations, and why the name you’ve picked out for your kid will inevitably be mocked. (How To | December 10, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Haircuts

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week JOSHUA ALLEN gives us the skinny on some of the best tress-work he’s sported in the past, all relevant details included. (How To | December 5, 2003)

How to Cook Thanksgiving Dinner

You’ve got less than two days to prepare Thanksgiving dinner. Is the menu set? Do you have a cooking timetable ready? Uh oh. LESLIE HARPOLD offers sage advice for those whose stuffing isn’t quite ready for prime time. (How To | November 26, 2003)

Wedding Guide: Part IV, Wedding Tips

Will custom-printed cocktail napkins take this celebration to the next level? No one cares. In our wedding guide’s final installment, writer and newlywed Margaret Berry gives the you tips that count. (How To | November 25, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Rollercoaster

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week ANDREW WOMACK teaches you everything you’ll need to know when you finally build that rollercoaster in your backyard. (How To | November 21, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Bacon

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON enumerates many new ways you can prepare your favorite breakfast meat. Look out, because we’re makin’ bacon. (How To | November 14, 2003)

How to Carve a Pumpkin

It’s nearly Halloween, time for ghosts, treats, and hours of time invested in what invariably winds up splattered down your block. Yes: the season-o-Jack. ANDREW WOMACK explains how to cut your gourd. (How To | October 29, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Not Fade Away

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week KEVIN GUILFOILE goes back through his priest’s record collection to find out when the music died. (How To | October 24, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Krazy Kittens

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON ruffles some whiskers when he investigates the truth behind feline insanity. He may also get scratched pretty bad. (How To | October 17, 2003)

How to Road Trip

Driving at least once from Connecticut to California should be required for all Americans, but how to survive the trip is less understood. LESLIE HARPOLD offers timeless advice for a tiring journey. (How To | October 8, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Raises & Terror

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week JOHN WARNER explains how to get the raise you deserve using the only appropriate method for today’s terror-ific world. (How To | October 3, 2003)

How to Write a Thank-You Note

‘Sincerely, Help?’ Having trouble finding the right words to thank your Cousin Sal for that mango slicer? Should you even bother? Oh yes you should. LESLIE HARPOLD tells why and demostrates how to write the perfect, honest thank-you note every time. (How To | October 1, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Historical Re-Enactors

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week TOBIAS SEAMON shows how to live in the past, bedecked in ancient garb, profound in dead languages. Yes, how to become a historical re-enactor. (How To | September 19, 2003)

The Non-Expert: Broken Hearts

Experts answer what they know. The Non-Expert answers anything. This week CHOIRE SICHA explains the many steps of recovery after your heart’s been ripped out, stepped on, and sold for scrap. (How To | September 12, 2003)

Wedding Guide: Part III, Wedding Party Responsibilities

The bride and groom just spent hours arguing over dad’s new wife and whether she gets to sit at the head table. Now is not the time to piss them off. MARGARET MASON explains how the wedding party can stay in good graces. (How To | September 8, 2003)

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