Headlines: September 2006 - The Morning News

Headlines for Friday, September 29, 2006

I don’t like coinage. We’ve made all this progress. I don’t need to go back to the goddamned Roman times. An interview with Mr. PC, John Hodgman.

The only way they could drag this Danish princess back to Russia was over her cold, dead body.

Will the real Paul Vance, composer of “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,” please stand up?

“did you have fun at your conference… what do you want for your birthday coming up… what stuff do you like to do.” Congressman creepy. Seriously seriously creepy.

Rosecrans Baldwin sneaks a peek at Dubya’s diary.

New York’s currently: mostly harmless

Senate OKs new detainee bill, the one that excludes many rights already guaranteed under the U.S. legal system.

In Baghdad, knowing how to switch your religion can save your life.

Colorado high school shooter identified as a 53-year-old drifter, unknown to locals.

Collection plate tempts Florida priest to steal more than $8 million; California church opts for “Giving Kiosks.”

Two million frequent flyer miles gets you a trip into space, at least once they get those spaceships built.

I don’t like coinage. We’ve made all this progress. I don’t need to go back to the goddamned Roman times. An interview with Mr. PC, John Hodgman.

The only way they could drag this Danish princess back to Russia was over her cold, dead body.

Will the real Paul Vance, composer of “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini,” please stand up?

“did you have fun at your conference… what do you want for your birthday coming up… what stuff do you like to do.” Congressman creepy. Seriously seriously creepy.

Rosecrans Baldwin sneaks a peek at Dubya’s diary.

Relations between Georgia and Russia on the rocks as five arrested on espionage charges.

Thai kick-boxing substantially more intense than Thai Bo.

“I am seeking a new position as i have recently been laid.” Cover letter mistakes to avoid.

Inspiration for lunch, but only if you like meat.

Sarah Hepola on the week in web-video celebrity sightings, in today’s Digest.

Rare Bill Watterson comics; Joe Mathlete Explains Today’s Marmaduke in 500 words or less.

Does a bear leave its waste in the woods? More like, does a bear contaminate our drinking water?

Old goths don’t think new goths can hold a candle to them—literally, most likely.

Length of a woman’s ring finger linked to athleticism, general awesomeness.

The Baghdad Police College was built so poorly that feces and urine trickle from the ceilings.

How to turn your newborn inside-out.

Headlines for Thursday, September 28, 2006

New York’s currently: watching the neo-con democracy-domino effect hand Iran an empire

Last week saw the highest number of suicide bomb attacks in Iraq of any week since the invasion in 2003.

House approves White House-happy interrogation bill—a dangerous piece of legislation that terrifies Democrats, goose-marches Republicans, and keeps the White House smiling all the way to the dungeon.

Confucian family tree may now admit to including women.

Nuance in Persian is difficult to translate, but it can be most misleading—sometimes comically so. The story of Admadinejad’s interpreter at the U.N.

Report: Iranian science teachers may be enriching students.

The idiocy of 9/11 conspiracies, American-style, and also in a nutty British flavor.

Because of our long history here we are tolerated. 25,000 Jews live in Iran, the largest number in the Middle East outside Israel.

Tokyo Rose died Tuesday at 90, probably the most infamous female disc jockey in American history.

Kazakhstan goes along with U.S. energy plans so its population won’t be pushed into demanding democracy; Kazakhs don’t care about Borat, but officials are easily outraged.

Like the god Zeus, I am kind to animals and people. Passages from documents seized from the homes of Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, Columbine killers.

Excerpts from Art Spiegelman’s “Portrait of the Artist as a Young %@?*!”

Army recruiter caught forging parents’ signatures to induct 17-year-old.

Political refugees opt for mid-sized American cities, leaving North Dakota and Iowa out in the cold despite the states’ lobbying.

Pro tennis’s racquet man works on 51st street. (Eight undersung sports songs.)

Video: Interviews with rock, paper, scissors champions.

Lack of internet access in rural areas will only get worse as big phone companies look to sell off their phone lines.

I’ve poached salmon in more than 100 dishwashers on three continents. There’s never been a dull party.

You get your sister drunk on her 21st birthday, not her 3rd.

The oral history of Thrill Jockey records, also Touch and Go.

TMN’s Rosecrans Baldwin on the week in Mp3s in yesterday’s Digest.

Currently seeking a distributor for Dustin Diamond’s sex tape, Saved By the Smell.

McMahan is said to believe that his genes are exemplary and saw in Linda the best match for his own superiority. Billionaire marries own daughter.

Headlines for Wednesday, September 27, 2006

New York’s currently: crisping up real nice

Bush declassifies parts of National Intelligence Estimate report, blames political sabotage meant to “create confusion in the minds of the American people.”

What the report says: Al Qaeda may not be the threat it once was, but the Iraq war is spawning new jihadists, and the administration’s policies aren’t helping. (Full text here. [PDF, 66K])

Fearing reprisals, German theater company cancels play that depicts the beheading of Mohammed.

FDA says spinach is safe to eat, so long as it isn’t from certain California fields.

Paul Newman doesn’t like the food at his new Westport restaurant.

NYC’s Health Department wants to force restaurants to stop using trans fats; Blue Smoke has some rough looking fries.

New anti-drug ads don’t claim pot will kill you, just that it’ll make you eat a lot of chips.

Dog eats starter chip, now gets to sit in front seat; three-year-old buys convertible on eBay.

Seventy-two artists make 15-minute time waster.

Video games are always too hard or too easy, but never take exactly 40 hours to finish.

Mike is a bear of a man who could easily pass for a bear, and has in fact been contacted by zoos to fill in when the real bear was ill. Woody Allen, crime writer.

John Warner responds to our feature on Monday.

The Republicans who think it would be better to lose this time around.

News crews, comedians flock to auction house to see what happens when watercolors by Hitler are for sale.

White House drops $10 million to broadcast anti-Castro sitcoms from an airplane.

“I feel it’s an affront to me that someone with vapid tastes could be exposed to the stuff that I like. But again, that’s because I’m a snob.” CNN reports live from Inside the Indie Scene.

Researchers spot the elusive ivory-billed woodpecker but forget the camera at home.

Grad student cracks paleontological mystery while waiting on the subway platform.

Headlines for Tuesday, September 26, 2006

New York’s currently: wham, bam, thank you spamassassin

White House chips away at objections to surveillance bill that would allow Bush to order domestic eavesdropping without a judge’s approval.

Egyptian president’s son Gamal Mubarak points to his country’s nuclear future and pokes the White House in the eyes.

Explaining last week’s unrest in Budapest, and why post-Oct. 1 you may see more.

Middle-class kids are more likely to win bigger money from private universities than children from low-income families.

Guantanamo guards get schooled on Ramadam since Muslim chaplains are no longer assigned to the camp.

TSA now allows liquids and gels on planes in small containers since the FBI says these “don’t pose a real threat.”

“Hysteria,” the 19th-century catch-all disease, appears today under different names.

New York state comptroller busted by hotline he established for reporting corruption.

Guatemalan prison farm run by inmates and well-stocked with jacuzzis shut down.

Wired discovers cash in ATMs around the country is accessible through default passwords, much criminal hilarity ensues.

A snippy customer dumped a pile of returned clothes in the middle of the store, for all to see. Retail of virtual clothing features real-world headaches.

Birnbaum in yesterday’s Digest on the books to read this week.

Buford: There are those of us who watch the Food Network at dinner-time, and those who do and still hate Rachael Ray.

New York calls popular restaurants daily to see who’s got an open table for two at eight. (See also, what to find today at the Greenmarket.)

French doctors to attempt world’s first human operation in zero-gravity.

RZA finds romantic solace in Russell Crowe’s lyrics.

A scholary approach to the titles sequence of various seasons of The Wire.

Notice how the male one is ramrod straight. How to draw female comic characters. Also, the days of “The Boondocks” are probably done.

Doodles drawn by presidents.

Seven hundred hobo names read aloud.

Headlines for Monday, September 25, 2006

New York’s currently: the land of Silk and Splenda

Pentagon prepares for showdown after telling Rumsfeld the 2008 budget is billions of dollars short.

The FBI’s investigation of the 2001 anthrax attacks continues, though slowly, and with an endless list of suspects.

Life in Thailand after a coup—the same for tourists and residents alike, but with less traffic.

Power outage in Pakistan sparks false rumors of a coup; when the lights go out in Iraq, everybody curses “Generator Man.”

Top Chinese Communist official fired over misuse of city’s pension fund.

Chinese involvement in local business becomes an African election issue.

The Superdome will host its first post-Katrina game tonight—pre-game performances by U2, Green Day, coin toss by Bush Sr.

In Fox News interview, Bill Clinton defends record, wipes smirk off interviewer’s face. (Video here.)

British soldiers allegedly smuggled guns out of Iraq, traded them for cocaine, smuggled that back in, then sold it to soldiers.

After 34 years in operation, a single-screen theater shutters, considers The Last Picture Show for its final showing.

Begin the clamor for a Sampras comeback.

Paul Ford rides his bicycle here and here.

Today in Digest: Robert Birnaum on the week in books.

In the average American home TVs now outnumber people.

Ventriloquist Jay Johnson (Soap) on our “wooden Americans.”

New colonoscopy robot uses snail technology to surf on mucus.

In a Herzog-like stunt, German director Uwe Boll boxes his critics.

Miss Cleo not just real, also a lesbian.

Every one needs Jesus regardless of their ethnic background.

Time for pancakes, but too early to read.

Headlines for Friday, September 22, 2006

New York’s currently: designing a “More Ram Horn” T-shirt

President and dissident Republicans agree they’ve come to an incredibly confusing pact on interrogation rules.

Abbas says planned Palestinian unity government will recognize Israel, and Hamas says, um, no.

Chomsky not offended Venezuela’s Hugo Chávez thinks he’s dead.

Stanford professor lands plan to kill the electoral college on Schwarzenegger’s desk.

Instead of 20 students, as she expected, more than 600 signed up for classes. Chinese language instruction takes off in Latin America as Beijing invests abroad.

What in-flight announcements would sound like if they were true.

Georgia mayor apologizes for allowing police officers to eat bananas during a civil-rights march.

Since you wondering: How to make a 3D model of Fayetteville.

Oral history, with audio samples, of Austin’s Scratch Acid.

Confectionary connoisseur selects his favorite sweets-related library source materials.

How to trick your kids into eating squash.

What it’s like to have your restaurant reviewed by the Times—installment one, two, three.

The weekend in NYC: Elliott Sharp in the Silo tonight; tomorrow, the “Traveling Dime Museum”; Rebecca Gates at the Knit on Sunday (and so much more!).

Viva Arecibo! User reviews of the best Brooklyn car services.

Extremely small scale models of cities.

Sarah Hepola in today’s Digest on the best of this week’s web videos.

Remembering The Great Rose Bowl Hoax (among the top 10 college pranks of all time).

Fall issues of Democracy Journal, The New Criterion, The Believer.

Close-up shots of the woman’s neck and mouth are interspersed with images of fireworks and spraying water. McDonald’s tells Chinese customers beef is sexy.

A theoretical approach to cutting in line.

Last day for geniuses, vagabonds, editorial pirates to apply for TMN’s fall intern position.

Homophobes worried Fox has turned gay.

I guess it’s nice to see diversity. Hot pink Park Slope brownstone frustrates neighbors.

Family drains savings so artist son can recreate the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling with spray paint.

Headlines for Thursday, September 21, 2006

New York’s currently: signed up for autumn

Iran President Ahmadinejad’s big day in New York: spent 40 minutes questioning the Holocaust, no time left to pick up a new blazer.

At U.N. address, Chavez refers to Bush as “the devil,” gets more laughs than gasps.

In pro-democracy “Beirut to Baghdad” speech, Bush stops short on alliteration opportunity, leaves out “Bangkok.”

New leaders in Thailand shut down political parties, impose a year of transition.

An estimated 15,000 Hungarians surround the parliament building, demanding the removal of the prime minister; at least three Hungarians try to register the same web site.

“Yesterday, we narrowed it to California. Today, we narrowed it to three counties. We’re hoping to narrow it down to a field and… to a spinach leaf.”

At 37, Boghosian has become one of the nation’s most esteemed and creative practitioners of extreme fair food.

Recording the sounds of the underground for a new MTA model subway train.

In Digest, Andrew Womack on the week in Mp3s.

Woman, 84, kept past as concentration camp guard secret, even from her German Jewish husband, now expelled from U.S.

Adopted West Virginian discovers she’s an African Princess, for real.

Four draft beers does not excuse, or even explain, panda hugging or biting.

Felony animal torture—a.k.a. decapitating your girlfriend’s kitten—gets you two years in the slammer.

Is breakfast the most important meal? Clinical psychologists, neuroscientists, and professors of nutrition, food studies, and public health simply can’t agree.

Human stem cells: help restore vision in blind rats, improve cardiac function after a heart attack.

Comparing the many offspring of Gervais: The Office (UK), The Office (U.S.), Le Bureau, and Stromberg.

Choose: Not Your Daughter’s Jeans or Mom Jeans (video).

Deadline for applications is tomorrow! Want to be our intern? Apply now!

Video: The Spotnicks, Swedish surf rock.

Sam Brown’s Powerbook: hard to kill.

Headlines for Wednesday, September 20, 2006

New York’s currently: briefing its boxers

Military (though bloodless) coup in Thailand; general vows to appoint a new (less corrupt?) prime minister within two weeks.

Thais realized something very unusual was happening when Channel 5, controlled by the Army, removed its usual program.

Are we winning in Iraq? “Given unlimited time and unlimited support, we’re winning the war.”

Baghdad as seen from street level: When you find a bloody man lying on the ground, alive, leave him alone.

What journalism in Iraq needs is more restaurant reviews.

Racist Senator a little too ecstatic he has Jewish roots.

Crisis in American airports’ ability to screen checked luggage for bombs.

Latest weapons in fight against terror are canaries in a cage—er, fish in a tank.

TMN needs a suggestible young person to bring over to the dark side.

Book about sleeping couples reveals many defy death because they share a bed with a lifeguard.

New Jersey doctor tries wooing stripper with a cadaver’s hand—but that doesn’t explain where the six skulls come from.

Slopers, John Mayer won’t teach you guitar but you still can enlist Dan Smith.

Didion on Cheney: The personality that springs to mind is that of the ninth-grade bully in the junior high lunchroom, the one sprawled in the letter jacket so the seventh-graders must step over his feet.

Sweatshop activists suspect Stephon Marbury’s $14.98 sneakers are made for pennies in China.

Adjust the sea level in order to flood the world.

After a summer of greenmarkets, returning to the grocery store is a sad adventure in artificial flavorings (except in some select cases).

Parks make living safer in Paris, and obviously more enjoyable.

Tutorial in how to enlist Yankee fans to find your friend when he’s lost in the stadium.

Move Martin Luther King Day so that it is the day after the Super Bowl. Entries to “Since Sliced Bread,” contest for policy ideas to help working families.

This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs on YouTube.

The Museum of Scientifically Accurate Fabric Brain Art.

Headlines for Tuesday, September 19, 2006

New York’s currently: no tengo dinero

When slipshod Canadian intelligence and nightmarish U.S. interrogators work together, one innocent computer engineer pays the price.

If John McCain wants to pick up Bush devotees’ votes in 2008, he has to start singing a different tune about torture.

The man who will likely be Japan’s new PM worries his nation’s neighbors with new talk of patriotism.

Sexually harassed Army specialist can’t bring herself to return to Iraq, faces charges of desertion.

Q: If the Pope is infallible, how can he make a mistake? A: Quoting doesn’t count.

In 2003, government figures show 17,107 farmers in India committed suicide—debt and despair are the likely causes.

U.S. voting machine can be opened with a hotel minibar key, though votes are still cheaper than the peanuts.

After 30 years of work, J.R.R. Tolkien’s son, now 81, completes his father’s final novel.

Shocking but true: High school drop-outs not so into civic involvement, opera.

Early admissions at Ivy Leagues on the way out, now your kid will never be civically involved.

Fall Season Death Watch 2006 is the new fantasy football.

Costumed art student hides among terracotta warriors, Chinese more amused than annoyed.

Willie Nelson, band members cited for marijuana, mushroom possession.

TMN needs a fall intern—is it you?

Mets clinch first NL East title in 18 years.

“If we could turn Congress into one big A.A. meeting, where people would be required to say what they mean and mean what they say, it would be a lot better Congress.”

The New Yorker, haiku’d.

Video: Nothing says “party” in a music video like Ron Jeremy mixing drinks and a grinning orangutan.

Scientists think your body may be filled with tiny cancers that don’t go anywhere.

Newsbiscuit: Like The Onion, but British—“humour,” you know.

Has Gary Benchley become a meme?

Headlines for Monday, September 18, 2006

New York’s currently: 90 degrees, with a head cold that won’t wither

Pope Benedict says he’s sorry that Muslims were offended and upset by his remarks, though it’s not clear if he’s sorry he said them.

Speaking of offensive remarks, Virginia’s George Allen is deep in some serious macaca.

More than a hundred people diagnosed with bad spinach; FDA’s spinach Q&A doesn’t cite Woody Allen’s Sleeper.

Manhattan meat eaters, have you tried downtown’s best unknown burger?

Chubby bunny kills Ontario woman.

New York’s 2006 “fire season” (winter) saw a 50 percent gain in “greater” blazes (two alarms or more).

Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army and the “World’s Evilest Person” poll, arrives in Uganda to talk truce.

IAEA calls U.S. Congress report on Iran’s nuclear plans “erroneous, misleading and unsubstantiated”; Bush plans to avoid Ahmadinejad in the U.N. hallways.

Interview with the U.N.’s conch player.

CNN now running Onion stories—will Chinese newspapers respond with more apologies?

Rumor mill says Bush is preparing a U-turn on global warming—is his motivation only political?

And when Bush hosts talks on Borat with Kazakhstan’s president, is his motivation only appeasement?

Rock stars wear their TMN shirts on-stage.

TMN needs a fall intern, and you need to be hip to what Birnbaum’s saying about this week’s books.

Women’s rights movement completed with first woman (tourist) in space! (See also, Madrid’s fashion week bans too-skinny models.)

Italian maverick journalist Oriana Fallaci died Friday at 76.

Ann Richards, an alcoholic to remember, and a lot more than a few one-liners at a convention.

Audio appreciation of the late Lorraine Hunt Lieberson

Black lawn jockey ornaments not as demeaning as once thought, though offence lies in the eyes of the beholder.

3,000 year-old-tablet, linked to Olmec civilization, contains oldest writing in the Western Hemisphere.

Producers say hairy toes and feet are a “distinct advantage.” Open auditions held for West End version of Lord of the Rings.

TMN’s Rosecrans Baldwin gets schooled on duck boots and Frank O’Hara.

The world’s greatest driving road, as tamed by a Mini Cooper.

Tales of the rich and mighty—Mark Twain, George Foreman, Michael Jackson—going broke.

Headlines for Friday, September 15, 2006

New York’s currently: keeping our heads above water

E. coli outbreak in bagged, fresh spinach has killed one person, sickened 48 others.

White House, Republican senators clash over how to interrogate terror detainees; Democrats say they expect to be blamed for this as well.

Representative Bob Ney to plead guilty to dealings with Abramoff, and is expected to do time.

Pope speaks out against holy war, quotes “evil and inhuman” line about Muhammad, fuels calls for holy war.

“I swear, it was immaculately transmitted!” Christians don’t like to be poked fun at in the funny pages either.

The new numbers on Darfur: Violence is increasing, 200,000 are dead, and there are over 2 million refugees.

Nigerian grafters bilk politicians out of millions of naira by getting them to buy a certificate stating they’re not corrupt.

Welcome nine new countries (including Nigeria) to the World Bank’s list of failing nations.

In today’s Digest, Sarah Hepola on the week in videos.

Stephen Merritt and Lemony Snicket are a Pitchfork review come to life.

As security in Iraq’s Anbar province dwindles, Green Berets enlist one of the region’s most powerful tribes—as a police force.

Getting your vitamin D halves your risk of pancreatic cancer.

Calling all intern types! Want to be a fall intern at TMN? Tell us now!

Puffy, corky, floaty planet baffles scientists; we ask, could it be made of cheese?

W.H.O. says DDT is better than malaria, encourages indoor spraying in high-risk areas.

“I will answer you: you are not a dictator. “Not a dictator,” he repeated. “You were not a dictator.” Hussein judge makes friends in court.

At 14 pounds, 13 ounces, a very big baby was born on Tuesday.

Fascinating: A virtual tour, through photographs, of A Confederacy of Dunces.

From Lovecraft to Lethem—a survey of Brooklyn literature.

Regulate your reading with a few pages of a book emailed to you every day (or less) from DailyLit.

Headlines for Thursday, September 14, 2006

New York’s currently: pronouncing “two” with a Baltimore accent

Arctic ice has declined sharply, 2006 was the hottest American summer since 1936, and though private and state-level initiatives receive applause, the U.S. is still deaf to global warming.

It may already be too late. Bin Laden has evolved into more of a symbol than an operator. The hunt for Bin Laden.

Republicans debut bill to build 700 miles of fencing along the border with Mexico.

Former Texas governor Ann Richards dies at 73.

First woman with bionic arm “can peel a banana in a less simian posture.”

Guide to be distributed explains which drugs work best for which types of people, genetically.

Is it fair for customers to order a “ghetto-latte” (using free milk instead of paying big bucks)? Starbucks baristas respond.

Pathetic motorways around the U.K.

Guide to the titles in this season’s The Wire. (But are you sick yet of all the preening journalists who love it more than you?)

The life (at least, it seems so) of Chicago homicide police.

Terrifying interviews with Darfuri refugees.

Young, impressionable, caffeinated geniuses: TMN is casting for the role of “Fall Intern.”

Releasing—and killing—pigeons doesn’t sound like the best way to protest Nazis.

TMN’s Paul Ford realized, not long ago, that his age of deep feelings has passed.

Food bloggers list what you should find a way to eat before you die (as though you needed a reason to chow on jerk chicken).

50,000 images of cable news reporters; see also really bad tattoos, i.e., Clay Aiken.

New York voting machines not only hate Republicans, they hate Democrats, too.

Fifty-nine percent of employees are “disengaged,” and another 14 percent are “actively disengaged.”

Movies used to decide whether Satan is good or evil.

New film Keeping Mum, written by Richard Russo, remarkably puts Rowan Atkinson and Patrick Swayze on the same screen.

Ghostwriter takes creative liberties with Paul Reiser’s life.

Headlines for Wednesday, September 13, 2006

14 September 2006: Due to system failure, today’s headlines will be published at 11 a.m.

New York’s currently: still looking awful good

Spitzer, Clinton win Democratic primaries; a map of the races and how they’re panning out.

In a single day, police in Baghdad discover 60 bodies that have been bound, tortured, and shot.

Yesterday President Bush sensed a “Third Awakening,” predicted a decades-long war with terrorists.

Girls Gone Wild fined $2.1 million for failing to verify Girls legally Women.

Osama bin Laden is posing as a middle school teacher in Ephrata, Wash.

Governator’s files victim of beginner hacking—also known as deleting parts of web addresses.

Video: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Freshmaker.

Average Americans show they’re pretty good at smuggling banned items onto planes.

In 2004, researchers concluded that 150,000 lives could be saved annually if sodium levels in packaged and restaurant foods were cut in half. The war over salt.

Newborn heir to Japanese throne named Hisahito and given a tree for a personal crest, ensuring he lives a long, prosperous life with good posture.

Fine teas to make their debut in bags; study finds green tea cuts the risk of cardiovascular disease by a quarter.

Where to get artisanal coffee in New York; hint: not in the breakroom.

Reviving those in a vegetative state—with a sleeping pill.

Rosecrans Baldwin on the week in mp3s in today’s Digest.

Gates and Rockefeller Foundations unveil plan to transform food production for sub-Saharan Africa.

Two men donate kidneys to each others’ wives, though probably not because the Redskins lost.

Air Force chief thinks good PR could come from testing non-lethal weapons on U.S. crowds.

Striving to remain anonymous online means having to remember your password for the Wall Street Journal.

Chopping off stingray tails, though rare, may not be revenge for Irwin after all.

There is a first-aid room on the first floor; all injuries, “no matter how minor,” must be reported. When American-style litigation meets risk-averse Britain.

Extremely little people in London.