New York’s currently: trying to fill the dance card

Friday, March 17: Due to events beyond our control, there will be no headlines today. But check back Monday for a full serving, plus the Tournament of Books! And watch out, the ToB betting window closes Sunday night.

 Netherlands-bound? First watch a woman sunbathe topless, plus two guys meadow-kiss.

 Biggest benefit of ice swimming may be psychological, say researchers.

 Poverty-stricken Africans receive desperately needed bibles.

 Bush to remind the world preemption is still a useful tool. (See also: Odds on when we’ll bomb Iran.)

 Call for MREs to be styled and shot.

 Don’t believe the Times magazine—Mark Warner is not orange, and he doesn’t wear purple shirts.

 Op: Good physics isn’t great when it comes to saving your soul.

 Are you a scientist with luxuriant flowing hair? You’ve got a club.

 Isaac Hayes quits South Park over scientology episode. (See also: Sex with Colin Farrell? $3 million.)

 Jessica Simpson snubs Bush, though she’ll still lobby for cosmetic surgery for children born with deformities.

 High Bridge Water Tower tour this weekend.

 Staten Island hit by unseasonable and therefore suspicious brush fires.

 700,000 New Yorkers are eligible for food stamps but not enrolled, leaving millions of federal bucks untouched.

 The ToB starts Monday, so get in your bets now and help charity!

 The 20 most important tools, plus duct tape.

 Using the email “dash” to cut down on your addiction.

 All violence against nature is stupid. You’re handsome like your daddy. Recorded Milosevic family phone conversations.

 $58 million Portland jail takes no prisoners.

 Difficult to prove Michael Jackson ripped you off when your wrote your songs in a past life.

 New newspaper blogs: Comment is Free, Eric Asimov’s “The Pour.”

 Possible reasons your short stories are reviewed poorly in workshop.