The Morning News

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Currently: lightning frightening
Today’s Feature: “How to Embalm a Body” by Nicole Pasulka
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Headlines for Friday, April 28, 2006

New York’s currently: a la luz de la aurora

Hoping to stem rising gasoline costs, Senate Republicans propose $100 rebate for taxpayers and extra taxes on oil companies.

ExxonMobil announces first-quarter earnings, is on track to break last year’s record profits.

Iraq’s top Shiite cleric says militias should disarm, which alarms secular and Sunni Iraqis—who don’t like the sound of Shiite religious figures involved in governing.

Iran “does not give a damn” about today’s U.N. nuclear deadline.

Little, Brown to recall all editions of Kaavya Viswanathan’s novel, remove the plagiarized sections, and reissue it.

Want to be a plagiarist? Enter the TMN “Sloppy Seconds With Opal Mehta” contest, starting today!

Aspiring authors, take note: There is no such thing as a photographic memory.

Should FEMA be dismantled, rebuilt? With hurricane season just over a month away, the powers that be should start agreeing.

Bush will approve takeover of nine military parts plants by Dubai firm—another day in the life of the decider.

Murder by numbers in NYC—random killings are rare, though summers are bad.

Stunt-taking host from the Discovery Channel is arrested before parachute attempt off the Empire State Building.

The evidence speaks for itself: Superman is a dick.

Saudi Arabia takes one step forward by allowing women to work in mixed-sex lingerie stores, one step back by kicking out the men; the UAE is having issues too.

Oh say can you see—a la luz de la aurora? New take on the national anthem is set for Spanish-radio airwaves today.

Video of the Week: Ze Frank’s “The Show.”

U.S. wants to extradite British citizen accused of hacking into top-secret government networks in order to find out about aliens.

Now you have to steal people’s brains instead of their passwords.

David Bowie is very disappointed in you—and he’s not the only one.

Headlines for Thursday, April 27, 2006

New York’s currently: about to completely unravel, possibly

Sister of Iraq’s new vice-president gunned down, two weeks after another of her brothers was murdered.

FEMA yanks back housing benefits from thousands of hurricane evacuees.

FEMA is in shambles, beyond repair, and should be abolished, say Senate investigators.

Real Iranian leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, adds firmament to campaign of defiance.

Terrorism fantasies, now released in high-brow and low-brow versions.

Evidence uncovered of more than 1,000 secret CIA flights over Europe since 2001.

Innocent men at Gitmo find ways to garden despite the guards, another chapter in our enormous mistake.

Welcome to the age of the “frozen scandal.”

Op: To get in step with the rest of the world, the U.S. should rely more on nuclear power, not less.

You have our permission to thump anyone who says they’re the “decider.”

Redbook reporter refuses to disclose source of recipe.

Budding poets, are you aware of “flarf”?

Quiz: Cookie or Playboy?

One way to upset the Vatican is to wrap a church in Da Vinci Code ads.

In the 1970s, Nauruans were among the world’s richest people; now they’re poor, unhealthy, and headed for worse.

Africa in pictures: Architecture.

PEN podcasts, including this year’s New York festival.

Aging and damaged Spirit settles in for long winter of science studies.

TMN’s David Leite and the story of his difficult-to-classify super tongue.

Say beutter, instead of butter. I can take it. Shanna Compton’s ode to Jacques Pepin.

Vintage photos of celebrities flying on Air France.

The seasonal foods of spring—ramps and fiddleheads, etc.—are disappointing despite the hype.

Knowledge for Thirst, the review of juices and sodas, returns.

Video: George reviews grotty shirts.

Headlines for Wednesday, April 26, 2006

New York’s currently: thanking you for this balloon mug filled with Tootsie Pops, not really meaning it

Bush proposes using the strategic petroleum reserve to offset high gas prices—though he already tried this, and it didn’t work.

Fox News commentator Tony Snow to step in as new White House press secretary.

Jane Jacobs, savior of modern New York, dies at 89.

Many concerned that Sunnis and Shiites in Saudi Arabia, sympathetic to their counterparts in Iraq, may make discord at home.

In video, Zarqawi shows his face, claims Bush is lying about military wins in Iraq.

Silverstein agrees to terms of World Trade Center construction; projected Freedom Tower completion date: 2012.

“Not everybody will love you.” The trouble with traffic cops in Moscow: fake traffic jams and extortion.

The men who know the mysteries of oysters, burrata, Guinness.

In tall grass, look for horizontal lines that stand out against the vertical grass. How to see in the dark.

Questions for George Saunders—120 of them, actually.

Author Kaavya Viswanathan issues apology for “unintentional” plagiarism—but the cribbed books’ publisher doesn’t buy it.

Tonight at How to Kick People: Patrick Borelli, Sam Means.

CEOs who get a dollar a year; “I hate Secretaries Day.”

Men more wary of potential rivals when their partners are at their most fertile; man accused of rape for trying to sleep with the wrong woman.

“He seemed like a guy who cared a great deal about the quality of work he gets involved with.” Post-Freejack, mind you.

China’s bra manufacturers can’t build big enough cups these days; “improved nutrition” is cited as the reason behind the recent boom.

New Yorkers: no. 1 in clogged toilets.

This is the Buddha Machine.

Headlines for Tuesday, April 25, 2006

New York’s currently: avoiding the doctor for another ten years

McCarthy’s lawyer says in the WaPo she didn’t leak jail secrets; “senior intel officer” says she wasn’t a “key source.”

Third attack at a Sinai resort in two years kills 30 in Egypt.

“666” now points to the evils of marketing, not Satan.

Bolten’s five point plan to rebuild Bush’s poll numbers includes blustering Iran to impress Americans.

101 films you need to see in order to talk wisely about movies.

Thirty books that deserve love, and 25 deserving public attention.

Were Bach’s six cello suites written by his second wife?

Thousands of Nepalis celebrate parliament win, but the Maoists aren’t budging.

Sadr won’t let Kirkuk go to the Kurds without a fight.

Third of Gitmo detainees to be released, fate of the rest unknown.

Batteries grown from viruses can store up to three times more energy than the traditional kind.

Homeless London woman lives in her car, blogs.

How to properly make Tuscan sausages.

Lord of the tourist trap sculptures, including Stonehenge.

Critics say government plan to quarantine bird-flu-infected flight passengers violates rights.

Profile of a pricey Halliburton flop.

University of Chicago porn, “not particularly hot”perhaps better kept to the classroom?

“This American Life” moves to Showtime and New York.

Percentage change in the amount of housework done by women after they marry for the first time: +17.

Video: What happens when the entire company works in one room?

China tries mixed messages to tamp instability.

Snoring, or “fashionable” tattoos, will keep you out of the Chinese army.

Fifteen “fashionable” Brooklyn restaurants.

Now that music videos are “saleable content” pitched to tiny screens, budgets can be smaller.

Video: It’s about time middle-class white dudes had someone to rap for them.

Headlines for Monday, April 24, 2006

New York’s currently: dreaming of square footage

Evidence of torture and abuse found at Iraqi jails as recently as February—and stemming it is no longer a priority.

Only a month into its control of the Palestinian Authority, Hamas is already internationally isolated, deep in debt, and in severe disarray.

Bin Laden tape exhorts Hamas, Sudan to make war with the West; Hamas, Sudan say no thanks.

New Orleans election may be decided along racial lines; with many black families still displaced, that means the city could have its first white mayor in almost 30 years.

On strapping ads to sheep—are cows and horses next?

Sixty-one-year-old man murdered in Brooklyn’s Prospect Park on Saturday afternoon.

The new debate on lethal injection—is the pain removed, or only masked?

Twenty years ago, the world’s worst nuclear disaster occurred at Chernobyl; photographs of what it’s like now.

A man who can detect songs most people don’t notice is a watchdog for music publishers.

Behind the technology of wah pedals.

He often ordered two or three gin martinis first, so he was well oiled by the time the food came, and I always ordered the same thing: shrimp rémoulade, chicken Rochambeau and ambrosia.

Naval Academy tired of losing at croquet, brings in the big guns.

Transit workers’ leader Roger Toussaint gets ready for his 10-day jail term, wants to take along a book about the Irish Transport Workers Union.

Video: “Dueling Banjos” tribute-of-sorts to hillbilly culture—many CBs on show.

The three Long Island brothers who are the last members of Adolf Hitler’s paternal bloodline.

Apparently giving up his former career as a bikini inspector, man poses as doctor, offers door-to-door breast exams—and locates two takers.

Maldivian fishermen find drug stash, traffickers face death penalty, people afraid police are going to smoke it all up.

Spain may bid “adios” to the siesta.

DonorsChoose opens BloggersChoose, a way for bloggers to create donation challenges, and their readers to help fulfill them.

Headlines for Friday, April 21, 2006

New York’s currently: sometimes dream burdened, sometimes more chris burden-ed

China gives nothing solid during discussions with U.S., gets Falun Gong in the face.

A day of indignities for Chinese President Hu.

Despite shoot-to-kill curfew, thousands of Nepalese protesters return to the streets.

With Sistani pressure, Iraqi Prime Minister Jafari to step aside.

CIA “old guard” determined to undermine Bush?

Well-known militant gets senior security position in Hamas Palestinian government.

Can Duke lax photos’ timestamps be automatically trusted? Nope.

Satellite navigation drives U.K. cars into a ford (previously linked, but let’s get those “attributes” fixed).

Bids you weren’t able to make to witness an execution.

Op: The EU may promote democracy elsewhere, but at home it’s unable to uphold democratic standards.

Strike avoided, N.Y.C. doormen get tentative deal.

Nationwide raids snare 1,187 illegal immigrants.

Free coffee at some Starbucks today and this weekend.

New York Times says you’re happy to pay $14 for a chicken sandwich.

New York tennis information.

Shack Watchers needs your help making a Shake Shack social webcam.

Porn sets the technological pace for movie distribution.

Film critics’ private-screening days may be numbered.

More models mutilated! Crime scenes recreated!

The work of Stephen Wiltshire, autistic artist (featured in Oliver Sacks’s “Prodigies”).

Early reviews for Philip Roth’s new Everyman.

Men: Shop for wine like a woman.

In disagreement with scientists, FDA says “no sound scientific studies” support medical use of pot.

When you got stoned yesterday, you were actually saluting Hitler.

Videos: Brandon Hardesty’s terrific reenactments.

Headlines for Thursday, April 20, 2006

New York’s currently: trying hard to find something to complain about

White House spokesman Scott McClellan resigns; Rove no longer in charge in policy, will instead focus on November elections.

Why the White House shake-up? Big win for Democrats in November will send Bush into a lame-duck presidency.

Nobody can figure out what intelligence director John Negroponte does; Negroponte defends his record, says, “integration.”

Nepalese protest the rule of King Gyanedra, breach shoot-on-sight curfew; police fire on protesters, killing three.

“Vengeance is never justice.” Families of Sept. 11 victims testify on behalf of Moussaoui.

FCC to begin largest payola inquiry since the 1960 congressional hearings.

Italy is pulling a Bush v. Gore.

Patently Silly has real patents—real weird patents; “Roo Poo and Other Wacky Products from Australia.”

Certain words, including “meta” and “subversive,” to be banned from the new Voice.

Video: One never knows when the homosexual is about.

Case of bubonic plague confirmed in Los Angeles—fleas are the likely culprit.

Emergency medical guides for your iPod.

I telephone the Church of Scientology’s headquarters at Saint Hill, claiming that I am concerned by my test results… A reporter’s view from inside the Church of Hubbard.

Graduate author can’t pay the rent—or afford a sandwich.

Woman survives carjacking, kidnapping, and being buried alive in a landfill.

Queen lunches with 99 Brits born April 12, 1926.

Why TMN’s Sarah Hepola shut down her blog. [Mp3 interview with her here.]

New issue of Blueeyes Magazine.

12. Wallace Shawn, 46. Leif Garrett, 79. Tom from MySpace. The 100 unsexiest men in the world.

Headlines for Wednesday, April 19, 2006

New York’s currently: peachy

Only one major building project in Iraq is on schedule and within budget: the new American embassy.

U.K. surgeons say China harvests prisoners’ organs for transplant sales.

Bush worried that China’s “locking up” global oil supplies.

When one of Africa’s largest oil exporters plays nice, the White House is happy to overlook a little corruption.

Bush replaces daughters with Chelsea Clinton.

Afghan insurgents shifting tactics to emulate Iraqi militants.

Video: Airport.

Obese doctors urge nation to eat three meals a day.

New Philips innovation could prevent you from changing the channel during commercials.

2006 Pulitzers announced, with no drama decision. See how the Pulitzer drama changed Rick Russo’s life.

Mafia boss’s encryption scheme is surprisingly easy to crack.

The Queen insists she’ll long live.

Op: Forget straight marriage vs. gay marriage—the U.S. should adopt the buddy system.

Chicago self-help bookstore may need assistance to stay in business.

Seventy people stranded when two Roosevelt Island tram cars stalled.

Op: Immigrants bring greatness, and Medicare payments, to America.

Japan’s Martha Stewart visits the U.S.; bento box design discussed.

Audio interviews with artisanal American cheesemakers.

The “middle mind” of Terry Gross, boomer critics, accidental buddhists, and Louise Erdich.

“Doom and gloom” headlines from the Evening Standard.

Family rebuffs FBI request for late columnist Jack Anderson’s classified files.

Video: Trampoline controls flame.

Headlines for Tuesday, April 18, 2006

New York’s currently: about to leave the coat at home

Suicide bombing in Tel Aviv—the deadliest attack in Israel in two years—receives approval from Hamas, condemnation by Abbas.

Mississippi senators earmark $700 million in a war spending bill to relocate a Gulf Coast rail line that’s already been rebuilt.

New White House Chief of Staff signals overhaul in personnel, telling those planning to leave to pack up now.

Osteoporosis drug is shown to reduce the chance of developing breast cancer, but with less chance of side effects—such as uterine cancer and blood clots—of similar drugs.

On April 18, 1906, the “Great Quake” struck San Francisco.

Former Illinois governor George Ryan found guilty on all counts.

Eighty-three-year-old Japanese soldier turns up in the Ukraine.

Long Island man who had his neighbor’s cat euthanized is a regular at the animal shelter.

Principal who imposed classroom lockdown during immigration walkouts must have read “nuclear attack” as “unclear attack.”

Software shows the shape of songs: Chopin, “Mazurka in F# Minor,” Bach, “Goldberg Variations,” Madonna, “Like A Prayer.”

CEOs say how you treat wait staff is a good indicator of character.

David Sedaris: “It seems a bit silly to me that everyone gets their panties in a knot because a first-time memoirist lied! You’ve got these people saying, ‘That drunk lied to us!’ Well, yeah, he’s a drunk!”

Iraq and the U.N. are trying to save Babylon, with plans to set up a cultural center “and possibly even an Iraqi theme park.”

WhatACrappyPresent.com vs. Kids Go Crazy at Christmas (video).

We can study [Cobain’s] poetical imagination at work by reading the only poem in his published journals. His response demonstrates that he died by a willful act of misreading.

A scientific explanation for why girls go wild—context is everything.

Man caught after two years of overriding traffic lights to get to work on time.

Jason Kottke joins TMN and others on the Decklimited advertising opportunities are available through July.

Unlike Flintstone and Jetson, Bob the Builder is a total workaholic.

Headlines for Monday, April 17, 2006

New York’s currently: trying hard not to seize, preferring to quell

Dozens of Taliban rebels killed; Dozens of Iraqi police still missing.

Iran pledges $50 million to Palestinian government.

Zawahiri’s visibility suggests he’s worried about losing leadership of the jihad movement.

Iraqi political cartoons.

Cuban physician can’t travel because the government says her brain belongs to the state.

Blog from a clinic in Botswana.

Kissinger: Rules for pre-emptive action should be defined.

Comparison of lives, Jewish and Arab, in Jerusalem.

African eel catfish visits land for snacks (see video).

Correlation found between eating fish and less murder.

Court says L.A. can’t arrest homeless for sidewalk-sleeping until it builds more sheltersto which $100 million will soon be applied.

Illegal immigrants pay taxes with hopes of citizenship someday.

Religions in America mapped.

Cabbie drives Ben Folds to the laundromat, later ends up on stage playing harmonica.

Muriel Spark dies at 88. (The story that made her famous.)

High school books wrong Jon Stewart for gala speech.

This is a great car. What does it run on? Fame juice. Fey on facing off against Sorkin.

$710 a month covers all your commune costs in Staten Island.

NYPD begins installing cameras around town.

The science behind electronic mapping, and why MapQuest isn’t always right.

Video: Fred Flintstone was a Winston man, apparently.

Headlines for Thursday, April 13, 2006

Gone hooping: Post-Rooster haze means we need a day off; see you on Monday!

New York’s currently: cock-a-hooping!

Iran won’t back down “even one iota”; U.S. says “it’s time for action.”

Sectarian violence sends thousands of Iraqi Shiites fleeing their homes.

Retired generals call for Rumsfeld to stand down.

Close final match in the 2006 Tournament of Books declares a winner—and the winner’s very proud!

MIT fraternity accused of robot hazing.

Analyzing rank TV talk about Duke lacrosse.

TMN’s Choire Sicha visits Jared Paul Stern while he directs press from his Catskills cottage.

With profound faith in our cause and our mission, now and forever! Letter from Hugo Chavez to Carlos the Jackal.

By ordering sushi you may be supporting the Moonies.

A short guide to eating several steaks a day in Argentina.

The Lee brothers’ solution to spring dinners: big meat.

Video: The meaning of Christmas, or why children no longer read books.

“Stupid” comics of yesteryear reviewed.

Terrorist networks use campuses to replace training camps.

ATF agents bust ninja leaving campus ninja/pirate event.

Missouri town’s generosity enjoyed by couple who never had sextuplets after all.

Online games rated for good experience.

Interview and history of Edward Gorey’s involvement with Mystery!

Michael Jackson may soon sell his Beatles songs to Sony.

Video: If you’re thinking of umpiring for a career, consider school.

Headlines for Wednesday, April 12, 2006

New York’s currently: waiting for Mr. Jordan

Iran announces advance in uranium enrichment, assures the world that energy, not bombs, are the true goal; still, speculation on both sides abounds—as does political theater.

American military deaths in Iraq for April already outnumber those in all of March.

Italian PM Berlusconi refuses to concede defeat in election, wants recount or “grand alliance.”

Today in the ToB: Rosecrans Baldwin decides between Foer and Smith. Tomorrow: the Final Matchup!

Autopsy of NYPD detective who died in January reveals cause of death was Ground Zero cleanup.

Bombing at Sunni prayer service in Pakistan kills 56, prompts rioting.

Large study shows estrogen does not increase the risk of breast cancer—and reveals progestin may be the culprit.

Former state asylums across the country are being converted into upscale condos.

Tiger Woods sorry he’s a spaz.

Recipes: Cadbury Egg Cake, Vendetta’s Egg in a Basket.

Rapper Proof of D12 (and Eminem’s best man) shot to death at a club on Detroit’s Eight Mile Road.

Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.

Headlines: “‘Breast Expert’ Accused of Smuggling”; “Jewish ‘Sex Commando’ Targets Israeli Porn Web Sites.”

Bausch & Lomb halts shipment of MoistureLoc contact-lens solution over fears of blinding eye fungus.

Woman, 82, ticketed for taking too long to cross the street.

Y’Allah, come on! Newly formed Muslim sorority looking for campus chapters.

Gallery: Ron Mueck’s sculptures.

Nine-year-old bullfighter should be killing them by the time he’s 11, provided he makes it to 11.

Cockney accent in peril.

Headlines for Tuesday, April 11, 2006

New York’s currently: hoping some kid and her friends are reading this, thinking, man, we can do better than that

Man believed to be Sicilian Mafia chief arrested after 40 years on the run.

Bush dismisses the report, but according to Hersh, war is very much in discussion to stop Tehran, and it could include nukes.

Considering the theories for war given Hersh’s bombshell.

Fallows: A military strike against Iran would be our worst option.

Iranian lawyer describes reading her own death sentence.

ABC puts some shows—e.g., Lost and Desperate Housewives—online for free.

A remarkable story of rehearing Mahler’s ninth and much more.

Electronica for Passover.

Video: Chaiyya Chaiyya.

Twenty-five percent of married Syrian women have been beaten.

Wal-Mart applies—for the fourth time—to open its own bank.

Chavez’s people’s militia: defending Venezuela against a U.S. invasion, or protecting Chavez from his own army?

Day in the life of a New York coke dealer.

Profile of the Museum of Natural History’s diorama chief.

Long the satellite office of many New Yorkers, the Public Library’s main branch has a new bag policy.

“Prius backlash” faces L.A. hybrid drivers going slow in the carpool lane.

Today in the ToB: Zombie-fun as Womack decides between Lipsyte and Smith!

Talking set design and graphic arts with Rachel Thomas.

Graphic sex gets Brokeback Mountain banned from Massachusetts prison.

Mailbag: Al Qaeda may not take Peck.

Zines, catalogued.

Video: Glass removed from doors, people seem confused.

Headlines for Monday, April 10, 2006

New York’s currently: ruled by accountants

Hundreds of thousands march in cities across the U.S. to support immigration reform.

Chirac announces repeal of youth employment law.

Want to purchase a flash drive full of classified material? Visit an Afghan bazaar.

Iran refuses to follow daylight savings time, exasperates government workers, parents.

In today’s Tournament of Books it’s Dale Peck versus Ali Smith versus Ian McEwan!

When part of your religious expression is intolerance, it’s time to sue.

Psychological survey shows many New Yorkers are frequently distressed.

White House confirms Bush OK of Iraq prewar intel, adding that he never authorized its release to reporters.

NATO to send advisers, military personnel to Darfur—the first significant deployment of resources to the area thus far.

Many would rather not have a doorman; even doormen don’t want doormen.

High-tech graffiti in New York.

USB art.

I’m actually working on a story now that is all product names. There’s not even a verb. George Saunders gets questioned.

It’s hard not to enlist when you live in Mississippi.

World Meteorological Organization retires storm names, including Katrina and Rita.

Video: Legendary Texas attorney Joe Jamail is legendary for a reason.

The Earth’s circumference is roughly 24,000 miles. That means that ‘N Sync’s digital girlfriend would be, at most, 4,000 miles away. Songs with mistakes in the lyrics.

Times dumbs down headlines for Google.

Britain’s Serious Organised Crime Agency steals Thundercats logo.

Monster rabbit terrorizes garden patches near Newcastle, England.

Headlines for Friday, April 7, 2006

New York’s currently: displaying horsemen-approacheth symptoms

Ex-Cheney aide Libby claims Bush authorized the Plame leak.

Whether or not the president can “leak” classified information, he’s still a hypocrite.

Blast kills 13 outside Shiite shrine in Najaf, shatters ancient tombs.

Girls gone wild released back into civilization.

White House can order warrantless wiretaps, says Gonzales.

Gospel of Judas appears 1,700 years later, portrays famed betrayer as willing collaborator.

Bill Nye points out God’s scientific inaccuracies to some dismay.

EU halts aid payments to the Palestinian government.

Hamas denies it’s ready for a two-state solution, a bit surprised it would supposedly recognize Israel for the first time.

Duke lacrosse jock emailed plans to kill and flay strippers.

New York Times changes it policy towards “scumbag,” no longer just a vulgarity for condom.

A brief history of poison.

Late-night Senate clashes prevent passage of immigration bill.

Bird flu kills Scottish swan.

Thirteen ways of seeing nature in Los Angeles.

New York City substitute teachers behaving inappropriately.

Ways New York music halls handle latecomers.

Today in the ToB: Brigid Hughes tackles Krauss and Lipsyte.

When TV cameramen lose the ball while covering golf tournaments, they fake it.

Post gossip reporter tried to extort hush money from billionaire.

Video: What happens when a man covered in microphones walks into a room covered with speakers?

Headlines for Thursday, April 6, 2006

New York’s currently: not at all what it was in the movies

Fossil discovered that may be the missing link between sea and land animals; Jesus walked on ice.

It’s tough being a government climate researcher when the White House won’t let you say “global warming.”

Senate offers new deal to illegal immigrants: Apply for citizenship, pay fines and back taxes, vaya con Dios.

Immigration protests to be held in more than 60 U.S. cities on Monday.

In today’s Tournament of Books! The zombie round you weren’t expecting!

Department of Homeland Security’s deputy press secretary not keeping at least one 14-year-old safe.

All signs say George Bush wants to restart the arms race.

House passes campaign finance legislation to limit the kinds of contributions usually given to Democrats.

Giuliani to argue in favor of the death penalty for Moussaoui; why putting him to death is a terrible idea.

Bob Ross to live again in video game.

Big N.Y. Chinatown restaurant accused of snaking its waiters’ tips.

Dwight Gooden would rather be in jail than in temptation.

Claire Miccio responds to Anthony Doerr’s literary math.

Of course, I use the word “tickles” figuratively, since I feel absolutely nothing. Nihilist job résumé.

Man held as terrorism suspect for singing along to the Clash.

Sixty-foot-tall pyramid discovered under Mexico City.

Who eats matzoh if they’re not Jewish?

Dead malls; the towns that were lost to New York.

Soft drinks contain higher levels of benzene than is considered safe in drinking water.

Thirsty child ruins baby shower.

Headlines for Wednesday, April 5, 2006

New York’s currently: resolute as often as it can afford to be

Massachusetts takes stab at nearly universal health coverage.

Despite Katrina, insurance companies saw record profits last year—executives call it a fluke.

Emphasis on abstinence and fidelity promotion stymying government AIDS plan.

Hussein charged with genocide; chaos and comedy as Saddam returns to court.

A military history of the ace of spades, so-called “death card.”

Former senior Sinn Fein member, and British spy, Denis Donaldson found shot dead.

Atlantic subscribers, see Matthew Teague’s “Double Blind” for more on Donaldson.

1950s CIA assassination manual.

The final match-up in Round Two of the ToB: Iweala vs. McEwan, judged by Adrienne Brodeur!

Rushdie’s new introduction to Midnight’s Children explains how the novel came about.

Number 12 show in the U.S. is number one in the world.

Reality-show family adviser Rabbi Shmuley Boteach explains what’s wrong with American families.

Does Katie Couric really deserve the press coverage of a missing white woman?

Want to buy real estate in New York? Maybe you should work for Condo Nast.

Trade group Prostitutes of New York hosts tax workshop.

Woman’s hair weave snares bullet in the Bronx.

Paperweight with a bullet inside explodes when teacher tries to squash a bug.

Maryland beats Duke 78-75 in overtime, tying second-biggest comeback in a national championship game.

Quadriplegic will scale Swiss mountain with aid from climber in robot suit.

Malcolm Gladwell on the reasons we need to get by.

Video: The art of motion.

Headlines for Tuesday, April 4, 2006

New York’s currently: chock full of broadcasters

Feeling “liberated,” Tom DeLay announces he’ll leave Congress and not seek reelection.

By bowing out now, DeLay can apply any leftover campaign cash to his legal bills.

Jury decides to permit death penalty for Moussaoui.

Today in the ToB: Maud Newton decides between Cormac McCarthy and Ali Smith.

Katie Couric to leave NBC for anchor position at CBS, the first woman to anchor an evening newscast solo.

Four thousand police deployed in Paris for latest protests (see Flickr cluster).

Recently overheard: Drugs help; busy bums; lazy players.

Nouveau prison cell design includes a royal blue line to encourage truthfulness.

Another year passes when web sites still can’t end with .xxx.

The private side of Schwarzenegger’s governing style includes peach schnapps.

Daytona says no to rowdy spring breakers; girls hoping to expose their chests go home disappointed.

College acceptances and denials are arriving, and parents just can’t handle the rejection.

Florida beats U.C.L.A. 73-57; Duke and Maryland women face off tonight.

Thirty-two U.S. military fatalities in Iraq last month, lowest monthly figure since early 2004.

The typographic April fool’s jokes you missed.

The history of the novel reflects a long confidence game.

Reflecting on Onanism, the only vital and original artistic movement in the world today.

The story of Onan the Vegetarian—raw-food maestro who became famous for subway flashing.

British barristers are sick of itchy wigs.

Headlines for Monday, April 3, 2006

New York’s currently: avoiding the 4/5

Fifty killed in Iraq yesterday, including six Americans.

With the most rapid growth in spending since FDR, the government now burns 21 cents of every buck earned.

Today in the ToB: Never Let Me Go vs. Home Land, judged by Mark Sarvas.

Rice and Straw press for unity, but when it comes to sleep, Straw gets the bed and Rice takes the aisle.

Birkenstock suffers a Coke/Pepsi personality split.

Target quietly provides law enforcement services to the government.

Op: Australia’s deals with close neighbors will test its longer ties to the U.S. and U.K.

Jill Carroll arrives home safely, just in time to face the web’s ugly mob.

Argentinian president struggles to keep choice beef cheap for his constituents.

Convicted sex offender sleeps on his roof because his wife won’t kick the kids out of the bedroom.

Prostitution Exclusion Zone causes problems elsewhere.

Whereas: zimzim urallala zimzim. How Lawrence, Kansas proclaimed “International Dadaism Month.”

Fort Myers and London trade travel-safety put-downs.

Saunders: I’ve become a prude and I don’t like it, though I do like your stumpy lumpy hump.

Profile of a Muzak audio architect.

Apply chemistry—or at least a chemistry set—to your kitchen.

Oven door passed off as flat-screen TV.

TODAY’S FEATURE

How to Embalm a Body

Those who can’t do, learn. As part of our series in which the clueless apprentice with the experts, NICOLE PASULKA visits a funeral home in New Jersey to learn, hands-on, how to prepare someone for an eternal rest.

DIGEST

Anyone Else but You

The ultimate love song for the socially awkward gets a much hotter reinterpretation by France’s first lady and French Elle’s Sexiest Man of 2007.

Fictitious Heroes

Mock the Vote

Matthew Baldwin sorts through reader-submitted campaign signage.

NEWSLETTER

Prize Lovers Apply Here

More addictive than heroin, more challenging than Sudoku: the TMN Map Quiz, delivered hot, fresh, and diabolical to your inbox every Friday.

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